For Ruby

We went to visit Rubys grave this morning.Its only my second visit since her funeral.My first was 2 days afterwards on mothers day.Yes I spent mothers day morning sat in a cemetery on a bench surrounded by babies graves.Ironic really.I think I was most upset about the other babies which was weird. Where the bench is there are the older graves.By old I mean about 2 or 3 yrs old.It made me sad that there were 2 or 3 graves that were not cared for - forgotten even.Then I started to panic thinking maybe thats what would happen to Rubys grave in years to come - would i forget to come and visit her final resting place eventually?Its amazing what torturous things the brain can cook up in times of grief...

This morning Justin and I took pots of daffodils and flowers to Ruby's grave.I was suprised that her funeral flowers still looked lovely - its been over a week.
The grave up from Ruby had balloons and flowers all around it - it was the little girls 5th birthday.So sad.When we had finished tending the flowers we just kind of stood and looked down at Ruby's grave and I felt a big black nothingness.Empty.

The rest of the day plodded on and Iv kept myself busy but now Im on the verge of tears again.The evenings seem to be the worst.When night falls.

Emptiness is my new friend that calls throughout the day and seems to sleep with me most nights now..

The following days after Ruby's death covered me in the deepest fog of sadness I am yet to find my way out of.I couldnt eat or sleep and I began to get angry and frustrated.I was in touch with the meningitis trust throughout her illness and wanted to know everything I possibly could about the causes and effects of this awful illness.As I said earlier we had taken Ruby to our GP 3 times the day before she was aadmitted to hospital and I needed to know if the GPs had acted would Ruby still be alive now.I read up on negligence cases on the net and contacted a specialist solicitor to talk things through.
Can you belive there is one misdiagnosed case of meningitis across the country every week?I decided I had to do something.

Our little girl was not going to die in vain.I want someone to be accountable for what happened to her.The solicitor said we had a good case of breach of duty of care against the GP so we have started to ball rolling in bringing a civil case against them.Im sure this will take a very long time to sort out but I cannot rest until I know.

The funeral diector was lovely.A kind of grandad type man if that makes any sense.I felt comforted that it would be him that would take Ruby on her last journey and care for her in the days between her death and her funeral..

After ruby died I went to see her once in the chapel of rest.There were things I needed to say to her and was glad I went.She looked so peaceful now, wrapped in a blanket and dressed in her own clothes with pictures of her brother and sisters and a teddy she had with her from the day she was born.

I wanted a special casket for her - not just a run of the mill one.We chose a bespoke pink casket with a rainbow going over the top of it.It was so pretty.

The funeral was exactly as I wanted it for her.No hymns - Im sorry but how could I sing to a God that would let my baby suffer so and be taken from me?- so we had Louis Armstrong "Wonderful World" and Eva Cassidy "Somewhere Over The Rainbow".

After the service Justin and I had a private burial in the baby garden at the cemetery.Its a beautiful place with windchimes in the trees.It brings me comfort that she is not alone but with other babies and children in that garden.

I still ache to hold her in my arms.It really is a physical pain that only a mother can know.
People say time heals - well I dont want it to heal because that wil mean I will come to accept she is gone.And I wont.Ever......