For Ruby

Iv booked a holiday to india.We leave on friday for 2 weeks.Im going to hide in another country for a while.Im sure the grief has a ticket too and will come with us but I have to do something.I cant keep rattling round in this house going through Rubys clothes and pictures.

I look like shit.Really shit.Before Ruby I would use the term " I look like death" but I know know what that looks like first hand and I dont look like that.I've just put a colour on my hair - I seem to have gone grey overnight so am sat here writing this covered in red hair dye trying not to let it drip everywhere!

I hardly slept at all last night.Lay in bed thinking the most random of things, and then of course I started crying.At least Im managing to keep it together in front of the kids.I only cry now with Justin or on my own.He's been working all day and Im really missing him.Still he will be home soon .....

We went to visit Rubys grave this morning.Its only my second visit since her funeral.My first was 2 days afterwards on mothers day.Yes I spent mothers day morning sat in a cemetery on a bench surrounded by babies graves.Ironic really.I think I was most upset about the other babies which was weird. Where the bench is there are the older graves.By old I mean about 2 or 3 yrs old.It made me sad that there were 2 or 3 graves that were not cared for - forgotten even.Then I started to panic thinking maybe thats what would happen to Rubys grave in years to come - would i forget to come and visit her final resting place eventually?Its amazing what torturous things the brain can cook up in times of grief...

This morning Justin and I took pots of daffodils and flowers to Ruby's grave.I was suprised that her funeral flowers still looked lovely - its been over a week.
The grave up from Ruby had balloons and flowers all around it - it was the little girls 5th birthday.So sad.When we had finished tending the flowers we just kind of stood and looked down at Ruby's grave and I felt a big black nothingness.Empty.

The rest of the day plodded on and Iv kept myself busy but now Im on the verge of tears again.The evenings seem to be the worst.When night falls.

Emptiness is my new friend that calls throughout the day and seems to sleep with me most nights now..

The following days after Ruby's death covered me in the deepest fog of sadness I am yet to find my way out of.I couldnt eat or sleep and I began to get angry and frustrated.I was in touch with the meningitis trust throughout her illness and wanted to know everything I possibly could about the causes and effects of this awful illness.As I said earlier we had taken Ruby to our GP 3 times the day before she was aadmitted to hospital and I needed to know if the GPs had acted would Ruby still be alive now.I read up on negligence cases on the net and contacted a specialist solicitor to talk things through.
Can you belive there is one misdiagnosed case of meningitis across the country every week?I decided I had to do something.

Our little girl was not going to die in vain.I want someone to be accountable for what happened to her.The solicitor said we had a good case of breach of duty of care against the GP so we have started to ball rolling in bringing a civil case against them.Im sure this will take a very long time to sort out but I cannot rest until I know.

The funeral diector was lovely.A kind of grandad type man if that makes any sense.I felt comforted that it would be him that would take Ruby on her last journey and care for her in the days between her death and her funeral..

After ruby died I went to see her once in the chapel of rest.There were things I needed to say to her and was glad I went.She looked so peaceful now, wrapped in a blanket and dressed in her own clothes with pictures of her brother and sisters and a teddy she had with her from the day she was born.

I wanted a special casket for her - not just a run of the mill one.We chose a bespoke pink casket with a rainbow going over the top of it.It was so pretty.

The funeral was exactly as I wanted it for her.No hymns - Im sorry but how could I sing to a God that would let my baby suffer so and be taken from me?- so we had Louis Armstrong "Wonderful World" and Eva Cassidy "Somewhere Over The Rainbow".

After the service Justin and I had a private burial in the baby garden at the cemetery.Its a beautiful place with windchimes in the trees.It brings me comfort that she is not alone but with other babies and children in that garden.

I still ache to hold her in my arms.It really is a physical pain that only a mother can know.
People say time heals - well I dont want it to heal because that wil mean I will come to accept she is gone.And I wont.Ever......

Three weeks ago I had 4 children.Now I only have 3.

My youngest daughter Ruby at the age of only 7 weeks died after contracting meningitis.We buried her last friday and I can honestly say it was the second hardest thing I've had to do.The hardest thing was allowing her to be taken off a ventilator and cradling her while she took her last few breaths of life.

I've decided to write this to try and get through what has happened;to raise awareness of this awful silent killer of a disease;and perhaps find some peace at the end of it.Whether the latter will happen is,at present,purely a wait and see excercise......

Ruby Canty was born 7 weeks early by emergency section on 29th December 2007.She weighed 4 pounds 11 ounces and apart from being early was perfect.She was so strong and healthy that we were allowed to bring her home after only 3 weeks.So started the endless 3 hourly feeds,nappy changes and happy memories that I will cherish forever.

She started being poorly on the 8th February - nothing specific,but I knew something was wrong - she'd stopped feeding;wouldnt wake;was fretful - in hindsight all the meningitis signs were there.We took her to our local GP 3 times in 24 hours and we were told it was a cold or virus and not to worry, but on the third visit we were told to take her to our local hospital to be checked out - just to be on the safe side.
We arrived at the hospital where Ruby was immediately jumped on by doctors there and ventilated almost straight away!!!

The next few hours were a complete blur - Ruby didnt just have a cold - she was fitting and without even doing a lumber puncture they started treating her for meningitis.She was stablised then a team from Birmingham Childrens hospital came to transfer her to the intensive care unit up there.We drove up to the hospital in a complete daze and when we arrived we were ushered into what I called "the bad news room".

The consultant told us that Ruby was gravely ill and her chances of survival were slim.All we could do was hope.We went in to see Ruby and she was just a mass of wires and tubes.She had electrodes glued to her head to monitor the fits - our tiny baby was fighting for her life.A fight sadly,she ended up losing.

It took 5 days for the drugs to get the fits under control,but by then it was too late for her.One week after her arrival in intensive care she had an MRI to see what damage was done to her brain.The results were catastrophic.Ruby's little brain was mostly dead.The only thing keeping her alive was the ventilator and soon even that wouldnt keep her going.
We were told we had some time before we had to turn the machines off and decided we would do it the next day.Sadly by the time we got back to her room we realised we didnt even have that long.

Ruby wouldnt wait until the next day - she was truggling too much to breathe even with the ventilator.So we decided we would hold her and let the ventilator be removed that afternoon.I cant even begin to describe the pain I felt holding her in my arms that last time,willing her to stop breathing,to end her suffering.Because she did suffer.

After the ventilator was removed she breathed on her own for an hour, and then took her last breath at 5pm lay on her daddy's chest with me lay next to her stroking her little face telling her how much I love her.

She died the day after she should have originally been born.I never in my most horrible nightmares thought one of my children would be taken from me.There is an order to things like that - you bury your parents not the other way round.